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Thursday, 05 November 2009

Monday, 02 November 2009

  • Currently
    Gossip In The Grain
    By Ray LaMontagne
    Winter Birds
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    Winter Birds

      As my feet run swiftly across the ground I reach down to feel the puffy white flowers. They explode into a million seeds with the grasp of my fingers and I start to wonder if this has some kind of meaning. Critical and Analytical I sit in my yellow chair thinking again. Pondering the meaning of the sequence of events that happened in this long day, my ears are filled with the deep acoustic guitar and soulful, raspy voice of Ray Lamontagne. I stare at the discolored photos of trees modge-podged onto my desk and I think of how small I am in such a great and intimidating world. How can one person possibly make an impact; effect change? Sometimes chaos makes more sense than reason and sometimes broken seems more put together than perfection. As I watch everyone grow further apart, my hand reaches to pull someone back in with me. I don't want to be alone in a cruel world. I don't want to be alone when I actually start believing the world is cruel, either. The leaves curl up and turn to the colors that warm me up on cold nights and the street glistens with light, fragile, beautiful snow. I hold those sights close to my chest when I start to feel my heart freezing into a glacial, callous mass. I remember the day I walked swiftly from the train, across the bridge, past a homeless man who put out his hand to stop me and just as I turned to reprimand him, he pointed to the sky and breathed, "It's beautiful." I remember gazing into the sunset with the greatest sense of appreciation, caught entirely off guard, tears formed in my eyes and I blinked them out as I walked back to my apartment with a wide smile on my face. Every so often, you just need a reminder of how beautiful life is in the midst of all these trivialities.

Monday, 19 October 2009

  • Currently
    The Listening
    By Lights
    Last Thing on Your Mind
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    Don't Think Too Hard if You Think It Hurts That Bad

        It's amazing how things can go from crystal clear to blurry in an instant. The ill-focused perspective is comfortable. I lay in the street and count the stars hoping the cars manage to miss me they whiz past and blow my hair back. With each close call, my stomach churns and my brain floods with Adrenaline.

        My chin rests on the cold counter as I stare through the orange bottle, the label distorting my view slightly. I stare at the tiny pieces of my brain jammed into it. I think about the chemicals running around bat-shit crazy in my head and then I contemplate whether I like feeling numb. I can hear the sirens echoing in my brain the warning blaring through my head. I remember falling apart. I remember being upset all the time. I cannot forget the anger and the brokenness but somehow cannot survive without it either.

       As these things circulate through my mind, I remember my mother and my sister. My brother, my father. I remember saying things and doing things I never would do and never wanted to do. I remember hurting the only people who could possibly still love such a wretched creature, a broken human being. It could always be worse. Every connection could be broken.

      Justification is not an option and neither is failure. Being a freaking psycho isn't really on the table either. All the pieces of my heart sort of fused together when I really thought about how I am stronger than I once was and about how I have a purpose even though I may not know what it is yet.

      I know I want to live to see tomorrow. I know I want to learn more. I know I want to see the world. I know I want to help people. I know I want to be a mother and a grandmother. I want to live, breathe and die in my sleep at an old and happy age. For once I want to see tomorrow. That is something I can't remember ever wishing for.

      Yes, there is beauty in tragedy but there is also a reason tragedy has such a horrific name with terrible implications. There is a time when maybe I deserve something other than what I have always assumed I deserved.

Thursday, 08 October 2009

  • thou who shalt not be pegged

    No one aspect of your personality defines you. Nothing can define a body that is ever-changing, ever-progressing. I have been enlightened by thinking that instead of defining who I am I need to define who I want to be. Life is what you make it. To receive you must give. To learn you must try. With love comes the worst pains you will ever feel. With fame comes a giant magnifying class. You cannot be something you don't think you are because that means people and society, they are forming you. Labels are our way of organizing behaviors but all behaviors can change. Addicts can recover and criminals can change their ways. If you think about it, if other peoples opinions didn't matter so much we would have less crime and more inventions. Its proven that everyone let's others define them. Many criminals were told of their lack of worth and thus went into the underbelly of society. In high school when I was told I was crazy, I became considerably more crazy afterward. Learning that view of me didn't make me more self-aware it made me give in to the placebo society was feeding me. We need people to fill roles but we have to believe that those roles are reversible. Don't ever let anyone peg you for something because really you are everything all at once. Write your own roles.

Sunday, 04 October 2009

absentfriended

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    • Name: absentfriended
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    • Member Since: 11/26/2007

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  • I was born a unicorn. I could have sworn you believed in me. How come all the other unicorns are dead?

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