You have plucked away all of the feathers that disguise me and I stand here cold and wondering where you are.

    It's amazing how things can go from crystal clear to blurry in an instant. The ill-focused perspective is comfortable. I lay in the street and count the stars hoping the cars manage to miss me they whiz past and blow my hair back. With each close call, my stomach churns and my brain floods with Adrenaline.

    My chin rests on the cold counter as I stare through the orange bottle, the label distorting my view slightly. I stare at the tiny pieces of my brain jammed into it. I think about the chemicals running around bat-shit crazy in my head and then I contemplate whether I like feeling numb. I can hear the sirens echoing in my brain the warning blaring through my head. I remember falling apart. I remember being upset all the time. I cannot forget the anger and the brokenness but somehow cannot survive without it either.

   As these things circulate through my mind, I remember my mother and my sister. My brother, my father. I remember saying things and doing things I never would do and never wanted to do. I remember hurting the only people who could possibly still love such a wretched creature, a broken human being. It could always be worse. Every connection could be broken.

  Justification is not an option and neither is failure. Being a freaking psycho isn't really on the table either. All the pieces of my heart sort of fused together when I really thought about how I am stronger than I once was and about how I have a purpose even though I may not know what it is yet.

  I know I want to live to see tomorrow. I know I want to learn more. I know I want to see the world. I know I want to help people. I know I want to be a mother and a grandmother. I want to live, breathe and die in my sleep at an old and happy age. For once I want to see tomorrow. That is something I can't remember ever wishing for.

  Yes, there is beauty in tragedy but there is also a reason tragedy has such a horrific name with terrible implications. There is a time when maybe I deserve something other than what I have always assumed I deserved.

    I can see the goal in plain sight and its right in front of my face. Every time I try to grasp it, it moves slightly to the left or right, making it nearly impossible to hold. I have complete and total faith that tomorrow my hands will be slightly quicker and  I will hold the prize in them by the time the sun sets. As the cold moves in, warmth moves into my heart.

“I'm an average girl, and sometimes I wish I could be more than that: to exceed excellence. As the days seem to go on endlessly, I await the 'someday' I've always been promised. That 'someday' when things are supposed to be perfect... the 'someday' when I find my place in this unforgiving world.” -Unknown